Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
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With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime