my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
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Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.