Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
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The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
no refunds
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk