[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
TODAY
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
😂😂😂
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.