I am HOWLING at this
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The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions