The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
You Might Also Like
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults