You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
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Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I’M CRYINGGG
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”