When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
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me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
vegan witches, happy halloween!
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
#damn
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names