Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
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“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
had to share :’)
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”