[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
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[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Sponch
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket