My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
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me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
They’re on their honeymoon
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.