detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Oh, I bet you would be
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
You have been warned.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
They did not think through this water fountain
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex