HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
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[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
☺️
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.