Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
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Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Oh, I bet you would be
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife