I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
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Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”