Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*