My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
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Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not