My loaf of bread looks terrified
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My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”