i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
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Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..