The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
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If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
No, I don’t think I will.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
How to properly lift a body
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???