I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
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Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Me trying to “trust the process”
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.