*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
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little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
They say women only use 10% of their anger
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.