Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
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There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…