This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
You Might Also Like
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle