ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Sign of the day..
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Oh thanks BBC.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
#Caturday
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up