A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what