I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
handsome & gretel
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October