Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
You Might Also Like
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
And they lived apathetically ever after.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
My nickname in high school was “who?”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle