12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
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I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
How did we not see this back then?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Storm Tropical Storm
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears