A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Education is vital
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*