You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
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“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?