[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
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I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Cake!!
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.