the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
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Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
ATMs should have breathalyzers
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe