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I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur