I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.