Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone