After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
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I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!