I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No