If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
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Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*