My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo