Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
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If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.