Why I divorced her.
You Might Also Like
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Never let them know your next move 😂
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
stop
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT