I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5