“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
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“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
When you let grandma cat sit
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.