Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.