2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
You Might Also Like
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
🙂🙃🥹
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Uh oh…
I cannot call her anything else now
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Every house has this drawer
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.