I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…