My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
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ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Just so funny
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding