Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.