Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.